Why I Quit My Job as a Pediatrician

i, my name is Uchenna Umeh. I like to go by Dr. Lulu aka The Momatrician, because I am a pediatrician and a mom. In my spare time I am also a TEDx and Keynote Speaker, Bestselling author, Writing and Speaking Coach, Parent and Teen Coach, and Motivation and Mindset Coach! Yeah! I am one of those people who seek to use all parts of my brain…lol

This is the story of how I became passionate about mental health challenges and fighting the stigma of suicide, even as I myself have in my immediate past, struggled with suicidal ideation and burnout as a female physician in the United States.

I focus primarily on children, but since suicide is an equal opportunity phenomenon, I also focus on anyone who has ever been suicidal, touched by suicide or traumatized and now living with consequences of their trauma. This is because I believe that the root of suicide is trauma.

As a physician for nearly 3 decades, I consider myself a doctor, and a grand doctor to my patients. I have been blessed with the good fortune to join my patients’ parents in co-raising their children, as well as my patients’ own children when they sign them up in my practice. I am part of the village that it takes to raise and save any child, and I take that role quite seriously.

Though the last 8 years of my life came with a divorce, suicidal ideations, burnout, extreme self-doubt, fear, and bankruptcy, a 4-year active duty tour in the U.S Air Force as a Lieutenant Colonel and commander, and a move across the country with three young sons in tow – all in all, it has been a great run. 

I love being a pediatrician so much so that I often brag that my blood vessels carry a mix of red blood and pediatrics! So, let me indulge you a little with stories from my experience as a pediatrician over the years.

One of the best things I thoroughly enjoyed was meeting new parents and counseling them, attending (high-risk) deliveries, performing circumcisions, and well child checks on patients. I love bread and butter peds: treating acute ailments from asthma to head lice, ringworms, pinworms and strep throat.

I have handled anxiety about college from parents and their teens and also have attended graduations of high school seniors. I was even present at a wedding and watched a teary-eyed dad walk his beloved daughter down the aisle. I have tended to broken bones, broken hearts and even broken toys. I have assisted with homework and happily showed up to speak on career days and diversity days. 

I have had to testify in court and closed the office to attend more than one funeral all in a day’s work. I have counseled teen-moms about unplanned and unwanted pregnancies and supported families through the loss of an unviable pregnancy. I have lent a shoulder to a mother whose child I diagnosed with cancer and listened helplessly to a story about a child’s death from a rare condition called commotio cordis. 

Life as a pediatrician “is like a box of chocolates”. It’s filled with a range of emotions, and you never know which one you might pick on any given day at work. 

I have mourned a 23-year-old mom’s 30-week stillbirth and rejoiced with a 46-year-old mom who finally had a baby, exactly 10 months after she adopted another! I once cried with the mother of a runaway, as she helplessly narrated the story of the last time she saw her daughter, and rejoiced when another mom was awarded custody of her children after some crazy baby-daddy drama. 

I have tried explaining to parents that their teenagers’ behaviors are normal and tried to justify treatment for ADHD with stimulants. I have tried to convince “non-vaxxers” that vaccines are not a conspiracy, they are actually necessary and effective, and taught tirelessly about the need for breastfeeding and the concept of “breast is best”. 

I had a grandmother once, who knew instinctively that something was wrong with her granddaughter’s eye, even though two separate visits to two separate ophthalmologists missed the retinoblastoma! I have tried in vain to convince patients that acne on their teens’ faces is not caused by “acid from sodas” LOL.

My war against indiscriminate use of antibiotics reached epic proportions, prompting this published article on KevinMD. Yes folks, I hate to disappoint you, but just because the “mucus is green”, doesn’t mean your child needs antibiotics 😊. 8-9/10 it is a virus until proven otherwise, and time usually heals those colds, so wait and let the immune system do its thang 😊.

When I was a young intern, I remember pulling an all-nighter during a shift back in Nigeria. I manually performed an exchange blood transfusion on a baby born with life-threatening ABO incompatibility (his blood type and his mother’s blood type were mismatched), only to return the next call night, to learn that he had succumbed to the disease. That hurt, a lot.

I also once performed a routine circumcision on a baby here in the US, he ended up losing so much blood that he needed a transfusion! Yikes! That incident shook me, and still shakes me to the core. I discontinued office-based circumcisions after that. 

Then there was the time a 9yr old girl came in with her concerned grandmother seeking a second opinion because of bouts of urinary tract infections, a total of six in as many months. During her exam, I discovered a huge abdominal mass. She had stage 4 cancer that had originated in her pelvis and spread to her lungs. She fought it, for 5 years, a rare feat in a cancer of that stage.

With the ever-present access to the internet these days, my colleagues and I are continuously trying to prove to the world that our medical degrees beat those of Dr. Google! That’s a tough one to crack. 

However, of all these stories (and more) which enrich my memory bank, none of them got to me like that of little “Elijah” a 7yr old boy whom I first met in May of 2018. He had a diagnosis of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and was non-compliant with his meds. He attempted to hang himself… twice! 

More on Elijah’s story later.   

I really love pediatrics, can you tell? I have been blessed to find a career which I love and have a passion for. So why did I quit medicine? Why did I decide on a career change? Why would anyone who has found it ever think of leaving it? My wife, friends, family members and co-workers (ok, everyone) tell me as often as they can that I truly found my calling, apparently, that is a rare feat. 

I not only love to practice pediatrics, I also love to teach pediatrics and take pride in molding students, residents, nurses, midlevel providers and even my colleagues in my style of medicine. Then why did I turn in my 60-day notice on the 18th of August 2018 with no intent to go back?

In the year 2000, I lost a friend and female physician colleague to suicide. In 2008, I experienced my first patient suicide, 15yr-old “Michael”. He had come to see me in the company of his mother. Michael and his sister were old patients of mine. I knew their mother well. She was a good hands-on mom, with a slight air of anxiety when it came to her children. 

That afternoon, she was concerned that Michael might be experimenting with drugs and asked me to screen his urine. He was a football quarterback in high school and didn’t want to play anymore. He was losing interest in previously loved activities and his mood was different. While I obliged her and screened his urine, I also screened him for depression. His scores were off the chart and they included suicidality. 

I circled back to his mom with my findings, and she responded with, “Just depression? I too was depressed, and I did ok, he is going to be fine”. She opted out of any medication or counseling at that time, but on the 4th of July that year Michael walked onto the front lawn, placed a double-barreled shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger during the family barbecue.

After Michael, I noticed a steady increase in the number of patients presenting to my office with symptoms of depression, anxiety, self-harm, suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts. One 11-year-old jumped from the window of their 3-story family home. One 16-year-old attempted to hang herself in her closet, saved only because the wooden beam gave way. A 19-year-old male slept for 36 hours after ingesting a bagful of his friend’s mother’s Xanax; just to mention a few.

However, it was the visit from Elijah that got me rethinking my calling as what I now call a “penicillin pediatrician”. The way I saw it, I had-had a phenomenal career as a physician, and maybe it was time to do something different. My heart was calling me to figure out why young people were trying to kill themselves. I decided to go out on a limb and get answers. My feature article by the Texas Medical Association tells my story. 

After Elijah, I decided to change lanes and work outside the office.

Thankfully the reception has been phenomenal. I have since launched my website (link in bio) that's a resource for teens. For nearly two years I consistently held weekly Sunday afternoon Facebook Lives. A series called Ask Doctor Lulu where I discuss hot topics affecting teens. My blog also has a page dedicated to teen issues with my most recent post for the month of November tackling the issues of (female) physician suicides. 

I am thankful that I am not alone in my fight against this dangerous trend in our most vulnerable. Many pediatricians and other clinicians are also in the fight, but it’s not enough. You too can join in. Collectively we can reach more people. Recent articles like this one from the New York Times about rising suicide rates among African American children help keep me focused on the (less travelled) road ahead. 

My podcast also discusses suicide. I interview experts, family members, suicide loss survivors, and suicide attempt survivors, etc. I am keenly aware that the incidence of suicide has increased amongst all age ranges (especially the elderly), in all works of life, physicians included.

My recent TEDxAlief talk was entitled “Suicide; The Worst Outcome of Childhood Trauma. The talk is based on my findings that a multitude of reasons like toxic relationships, bullying, substance abuse, racism, domestic violence, incarceration, and sexual assault, etc. are the basic ingredients of youth suicide, and not mental illness as often assumed. 

"I like to say mental anguish and not mental illness is at the crux of most suicides." - Dr. Lulu

The basic problem is what I like to call the 3Ss (Silence, Shame and Stigma) of Suicide. They are the biggest barriers to access the healthcare industry. Many sufferers do not seek help in fear of stigmatization. Many feel they are hopeless, alone, lonely, and fear repercussions from the world.

As a physician who has struggled with suicidal ideations in the past and has lost too many colleagues and friends and patients to suicide, know that suicide is 100% preventable. I also know that it will take all of us to “fix it”.

I still practice medicine through telemedicine, my patients are mostly at-risk teens to whom I am basically a life coach at this point. It is mostly non-clinical and I am as happy as I can be. I practice medicine my way and I am proud to say that my traditional medical practice has now become my side gig. 

In closing, I am thankful for the opportunity to continue making a difference in people’s lives and if by my words, at least one child, one teen, or one young adult can be saved, then it was well worth it. 

What do you think?

Dr. Lulu, Motivation and Mindset Coach